How horses changed my life

The story of my Conversion

I've been thinking about horses lately. How much I love them. They're like my totem animal. I sort of feel like a wild horse sometimes. Wanting to be free and sometimes getting myself into trouble, but really just docile at heart.

I wonder about whether life is shaped by fate or luck or choice or maybe all three. For me, my love of horses started me down the path I currently walk. From the age of 10 I had an insane passion for them. I'd checked out and read every horse book at my school library, multiple times. I would go to the used book store weekly to find what "new" books were for sale. I'd memorize the tack catalogs. On the way to school, my bus would pass the same stable everyday and my heart would beat so fast just to imagine having my own horse there. I even talked my best friend into hopping a fence (at a different farm) and jumping on some horses bareback. Crazy, huh? So I was obsessed. I'm sure I asked my parents a thousand times for a horse. Never relenting and always the salesgirl, I finally talked them into riding lessons. I must've been about 13, and after calling all the stables in the yellow pages, I found the perfect place. It was about 20 minutes from our house and I can still remember my first time going there. It was a hunt club, which meant it was a private organization owned by all the members who rode there. The building was old, from the 1930's. My images are of a cold gray day and the musty smell of horses. As we walked down the aisle to the school horse area I was shivering. Isn't that funny? I can't remember the last time I was so excited about something. Visibly excited. My little horse fantasy was becoming a reality. At any rate, we signed up for lessons and that funny obsession with horses led me to my life today.

After a couple years of riding lessons and leasing horses my parents finally bought me my own. What a sacrifice they made for me to have Beau. I'm so grateful to them for their love, and desire to see me achieve my dream. Rick would take me to the barn everyday at 3:00 and I would be there all night. Some days there were lessons, some days I would just ride Beau with friends. While resting in the middle of the arena, our conversations would almost always revolve around boys. Since my friends at the barn went to a different school, it was much more interesting to hear about their boys, since they were strangers to me. I can remember one winter night when my friend Becca was telling me about one particular boy that was her sister's age. She went on and on about him. He happened to play soccer with the boy I liked. So we schemed and planned. How are we going to see these boys? During spring break, being boy crazy teenagers, we figured out when they had practice and waited for the day to go watch.

Early that morning I was shocked awake by my books tumbling off their bookshelf. We were having an earthquake. Looking back, as though this act of God happened only for me, it seems appropriate. I didn't know it then, but that was going to be the single most pivotal day of my life. This was the day I saw the boy Becca had been going on about. I now understood why. I had to meet him. The earth literally and figuratively shook for me. The details are sketchy from here on out. But I remember getting some courage to call him from the barn office. Looking back, I'm sure his parents were very worried about this aggressive non-member girl asking their son out. This girl, whose parents were divorced and whose Dad was in a different state. They were probably right to worry. I was a bit of trouble. But for whatever reason, they let us date.

So, after some months of casually dating, we started spending more time together. Mostly, I remember being at his house. I loved being there, it was the polar opposite of mine. His family was big and there were always people there, doing something, apparently happy. I felt at peace there. Why? What was different? I wondered. So, I would ask questions about what they believed. Probably arguing about things as much as anything, but really I was just very curious. I remember one particular phone conversation about preexistence. That conversation lit a fire in me. The things he was saying struck me at a very deep level. I knew they were true, like hearing something you've heard before and just forgot. After hanging up the phone, sitting in my dark bedroom I knelt on my bed and said my first real prayer. Before I even asked anything, I was overwhelmed with the whitest, purest light. I was converted in that moment.

Time passed and I wasn't really aware of the process to join the church. I didn't know I would need to meet with the missionaries. So, I started talking to friends at school that I knew were Mormon. One friend in particular, got the courage to bring me a Book of Mormon. He wrote his testimony in the front cover. I still have it. It's funny because I didn't even read the whole thing before being baptized. I didn't need to. I just knew, in a fundamental way, that what I was learning about was true, and I wanted it in my life. As a stroke of luck or fate or divine providence, I saw the missionaries at my school. They were coming down the stairs near my locker, after talking in a psychology class. Who called the elders to have them come to the school? Was that just for me? I tracked them down and gave them my phone number. My discussions began and I was very impatient with the process. They were teaching me things I already knew and agreed with. Enough already, I just wanted to be baptized. This period in my life was probably my most sweet. I felt like I had a direction and my heart was whole. I was baptized April 5th 1994.

So, see my horse obsession led me to where I am today. I would've never met my sweet boyfriend, whose religion changed my life. Maybe I would've had other opportunities from other friends, but I can't help but think there was a little divine guidance. I needed someone that I would listen to. Someone who could tame the little bit of wildness in me. So, were my passions put into me by God? Or did I choose to have them? Or was it just some crazy chance of circumstance? Life is a strange mystery to me.

All I know is I'm happy for the people who were put in front of me. And who had courage to answer my questions. And as a high counselor said in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, "Don't worry, you're not so powerful. You'll never talk someone into joining the church. Just as what you say will never talk them out of it."

We can just play our parts and hope for the best. Keeping our eyes open for the wild horses in our lives. The wild horses who really are docile at heart. Looking for their home.